...Doesn't even BEGIN to cover it.
Ok, before I get started, here's a warning that this gets pretty personal. Only about 4 people know the full story here, and here I am sharing it with the masses. Funny how strangers are easier to talk to than the people you care the most about.
Every time I start to think I've figured out what you want, something happens that completely takes away any and all confidence I have regarding how I think you feel. You've strung me along for over 4 years now. But I still wont give up. I can't. I still feel the shot we have is too good, too much to just give up on without even trying. All I've ever wanted is a chance, to take the damn chance and try it out. I'm not promising or guaranteeing it will work. But I'd rather try it and know it didn't work out than spend the rest of my life thinking "what if?".
Most of the time I feel like we're on the same page with that I feel; like you are just waiting for the right moment to say something. So I keep waiting, too. Goodness knows I'VE said my piece. I talked to you about it. All you did was give me a half answer, a half hope, and on with our lives we went. That was a year and a half ago. Here "we" still are. What exactly "we" are I have no fucking idea, but we're something.
I've never felt this way about anyone else ever before. I feel completed when I'm with you. Whole, an entire being, a feeling I don't feel when I'm on my own, or with anyone else. I never get tired of you, never spend too much time with you, I never 'need a break' from hanging out with you like I sometimes feel with all my other friends.
I tried to give up, once. I tried to move on. I got angry and blamed you and looked for someone else. But I can't just go out and meet people with that in mind like some people can. I have to know you first. I want to be friends first. And apparently that's something every guy on the face of the planet is scared shitless of. My entire true goal in life is to wind up married to my best friend. That matters so, so much more to me than any amount of physical attraction ever could. I'm a firm believer in falling in love with someone's personality, not their looks. So I can't go out and find someone based on attraction. I have to spend time building a friendship, and by the time I'm comfortable, any guy I've ever met has scratched me off that 'date-able' list, because apparently you can't date your friends.
But, anyway, I tried to move on. I tried to force myself to see someone differently, to try to see them as something more than a friend from the very beginning. I thought maybe it would make me realize it's ok to try to feel that way about someone other than you. And, if I'm honest, I also wanted to see how you'd react. Would you fight for me? Would it bother you at all? That's awful of me and I felt bad, but I did it anyway. But it doesn't matter, because it didn't work. You want to know what it did? It didn't make me feel empowered or bold or brave, and I never got to see if it bothered you or not because i never made it that far. Because as soon as it kinda sorta looked like this new guy might be interested, I got terrified- terrified to lose you. I couldn't even force myself to fake-like somebody in an attempt to make you jealous because as soon as I tried I got scared I'd lose you. Even when you're not mine to lose.
And that's the kicker in all of this. I have all these feelings. All the wonderful ones and all the horrible ones, and you're just not mine to have these feelings for. I have no right to feel this way. But I do, and as hard as I've tried, I can't stop them. When we're together, I have no right to feel the butterflies in my stomach or the flush in my face, because what we are doesn't mean anything. When we laugh and joke in a group of friends about all being single and lonely, about attractive people we know we would (jokingly) like to date, or looking up attractive people on the Internet (because attractive people we actually know in real life is a short list), I have no right to feel jealous or hurt or betrayed, because again, we aren't anything special, so it's not like you're actually hurting or betraying anything. You have every right to go out and hang out and talk to and like every girl you've ever met. I have no right to tell you you can't or to feel the way I do when you talk about them.
But it hurts. Oh, God damn it, it hurts so much. What hurts the most is that I have to sit there and smile and laugh along with all our friends while we all make jokes at each other about these said attractive people, about the other people we know, and complain about being single. Yeah, I get that we complain that we're single. That's what single people DO. We bring it up as often as possible, we say we're lonely. We fantasize and joke around. I get that. It's a regular part of our lives.
But, do you know the ONE person you should probably never, EVER complain about being single to?
The person you fucking rejected.
You do realize, right, that if it were up to me you wouldn't BE single? Hell, if it were up to anyone in the world other than YOU you wouldn't be single. Out of our entire world of mutual friends, family, teachers, and any other people we've ever met, YOU are the only one not wanting to give this a try.
I'm not angry. I'm depressed and tortured. I just want to KNOW if there's ever a chance we could ever be anything. We're in that terrible grey area between friends and something more. I've tried talking to you myself, and it didn't accomplish anything. I want you to know what you’re doing to me, regardless of how you feel in return. You told me you didn’t want to risk our friendship, that you didn’t want to risk it not working out, that you didn’t want to hurt me. /THIS/ is hurting me. This not knowing, not knowing what we are or what we ever will be.
I just want to know.
And I want you to know I’ve been there for over nine years, and I’m still here now, and I don’t plan on going anywhere soon. I’m still willing to fight for this, because I feel we’re worth fighting for. I think we’ve got a shot. I don’t think being nearly inseparable best friends for a decade means nothing.
I think it means everything in the whole damn world.